At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Randomize
