You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
