the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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