Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
