Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
