we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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