Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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