You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
