if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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