who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
