I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
