I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
