....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
