never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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