I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
