you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
