shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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