dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
