dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
