And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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