Im at strip club and am horny
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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