trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Randomize
