wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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