the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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