Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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