When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
