did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
