Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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