Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
