I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
