why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
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