just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
