she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
