People in love make me want to vomit
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
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