she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
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