I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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