The maid of honor just puked.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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