Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
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