I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Randomize
