Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
