There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
