He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
