apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I have all the porn. Be there soon
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