The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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