Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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