A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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