How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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