I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
