You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Operation Purity has been aborted
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
