Question. A woman tells her guy she's on birth control. Stops taking it to have a kid to force the guy to be responsible and with her. What rights does that guy have
None he's f-d
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i love accidental penises.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
