I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
Four minutes until I can fart!
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
