Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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