oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
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