if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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